Author Topic: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS  (Read 9875 times)

Offline 6pacmom

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mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« on: October 16, 2007, 09:16:29 AM »
I am hoping that I will get some good input on this topic. My daughter Chloe is 14 months and has Down Syndrome. My mother in law seems to share with everyone she sees, that Chloe has downs. Upon asking her why she does this, she informed me that she is not embarrased by her ds and doesn't care who knows. She said I was obviously embarrased. I am thinking are you crazy. My mom, grandmother and myself have worked with multi handicapped kids and adults. When we found out she had Ds, I said, oh well. I could not love a child more than I love her. I just don't want her to be judged acording to her DS. I want people to see Chloe. That is what we all see. I think she is remarkable. But the way my M-in-Law acts, she is so handicapped and mentally retarded that I could scream. Oh yeah, she says she is our little angel. Well what child isn't an angel? So since our chat was completely misunderstood, now there is a rift between us. She is not a christian so I get part of it. But I can not grasp her logic or thinking. To watch her, it is like a attention getter or sympathy thing. I don't know. I just don't know what to do now. And her thinking I am emarrased by my own child really bothers me. I have 5 other kids who all have either ADD, ADHD, or OCD. I homeschool, and love these kids more than life itself. Feed back would be great. Thanks.

Offline Amy G.

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2007, 09:26:15 AM »
I think it is great how you love your children.  I think it is also good that you want people to know Chloe for her she is and not her ds.  It is neat to see that there are parents out there that don't want to put ds as a label on their child.
I also think it is great that you are able to home school your children.

I just wanted to say keep up the good work with your children.  Maybe some day your MIL will come around and let people see Chloe for who she is and not her Ds.

God bless you and your family.

Amy G.
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Offline 6pacmom

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2007, 09:50:18 AM »
Thank you.

Offline mamatomany

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2007, 10:18:59 AM »
Dear 6pacmom, first of all congratulations on your sweet angel Chloe.  I also have the privilege of raising a child with down syndrome.    You were hoping for some "good advice" on the topic soooo...here is my 2 cents for all its worth.    I say lighten up - it sounds like it is not a problem with Chloe as it is with you and your MIL.  The fact you called her "retarded"  :o tells me that you need to take this one to the Lord in some serious prayer girlfriend....I pray you allow Him to heal these areas and to replace all your anxiety/anger with joy  :)

Offline Roehrmomma

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2007, 10:35:06 AM »
My MIL is very hard to deal with at times.I have to just as mamatomany said lighten up pray and also let my husband deal with it.Sometimes He talks to her other times he just drops it.I try not to worry either way.

I am sorry she does this.Praying for you all

Em

Offline Wing

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2007, 10:45:33 AM »
  I say lighten up - it sounds like it is not a problem with Chloe as it is with you and your MIL.  The fact you called her "retarded"  :o tells me that you need to take this one to the Lord in some serious prayer girlfriend....

I think 6pac was saying the MIL was exaggerating Chloe's situation, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Offline SC

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2007, 10:47:16 AM »
6pacmom,

If you MIL had asked this question, I would have a WHOLE lot of things to say to her, but she didn't ask. You did.

I agree with everything you said. We want people to know our little guy for the delightful person that he is, just like all our other kids. He isn't an 'inspiration,' unless you call incredibly normal struggles with sinful impulses inspiring. It's true, people will see the DS and think your kid too dumb see their flaws. These people will imagine that your child is exceptionally loving, gentle, kind, etc. Yeah, right. They never saw him clobber his brother because he didn't want to be bothered.  ::)

While you are struggling to have your daughter accepted as a person in her own right, your MIL is struggling to accept her grandchild's diagnosis. No matter what you or anyone else tells her, your MIL grew up in a different culture that had different expectations about developmentally delayed people. Where you see a person, your MIL is still struggling to see past the label. Right now, it's too big a task for your MIL. Don't worry, Chloe will take care of that matter just fine.

The real question is how to deal with a person who is so caught up in her own grief that she is overcompensating, and in the process robbing you of those first few months when other people can't really tell for sure about Chloe because she just looks like any other baby.

Our little fellow was 18 months old when a stranger first acknowledged his DS. We were attending a seminar, and I went forward to say a few words to the speaker afterwards. He looked at the baby in my arms and mentioned it. The speaker was Mike Pearl. I've often reflected on how kind God was to have let the first time this happened be in such a circumstance.

The reality is that Chloe (and our little guy) will need all of the love and support they can get. Your MIL's poor reaction tells me that she is heartbroken over this and groping for a way to cope. This will be one of MANY times when you will have to practice grace and patience towards someone. If you allow this rift to continue, the issue WILL become the diagnosis rather than the child. Let your MIL stumble a little, expect her to do so, allow for it and then let Chloe work her grandbaby magic on grandma. All Chloe knows at this stage in her life is whether or not the hands that hold her love her. Right now, that's all that matters.

In time, Chloe will teach grandma all she needs to know about accepting her as a person.

Trust me. You have SO MANY other things that need your time, energy and attention right now. The enemy would love to drain you with endless battles for acceptance, services, causes, research, etc. But God didn't call you to change the world or its misconceptions. He only called you to be a precious mama to a baby girl named Chloe with just a little something extra.

There will be a time to fight. There will be battles laid at your doorstep. You won't have to find them. I'm suggesting that this may not be one deserving of your precious resources. Life and loving Chloe will take care of your MIL's misconceptions. You won't need to.

Hug that baby for me!
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Offline Roehrmomma

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2007, 10:47:30 AM »
   I say lighten up - it sounds like it is not a problem with Chloe as it is with you and your MIL.  The fact you called her "retarded"  :o tells me that you need to take this one to the Lord in some serious prayer girlfriend....

I think 6pac was saying the MIL was exaggerating Chloe's situation, but correct me if I'm wrong.


That was my thought also.But I know when I have been offended and just let her (my mil) words fall to the ground they hold less weight and most everyone doesnt listen to her anyway...

Em

Offline 6pacmom

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2007, 12:03:29 PM »
exactly. I am not calling her retarded. My MIL acts like she is and when I said, she is not handicapped unless we make her that way, she says, yes she is. I want her to be treated like any other individual, thats all.

Offline 6pacmom

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2007, 12:11:42 PM »
thank you all very much. It is hard to deal with her because she has never come around the kids much and when she is, she acts like grandmother of the year. I guess I was just thinking that there really wasn't a need to broadcast it, who cares? I never thought about her grieving about it cause I never have. I feel she is exactly what God intended us to have and I wouldn't trade her for anyone else.

Offline Roehrmomma

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2007, 01:36:05 PM »
SC

You are amazing.I want to be like you when I grow up!

I would have never thought a grandma would grieve over that.

Em

Offline amy3js

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2007, 03:08:02 PM »
Wow SC, that was one of the wisest things I have ever read. And you are so right.  :)
You get what you get, what matters is what you do with it.

Offline yasmine

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2007, 04:46:59 PM »
i just want to say that I feel for you and I can see how that  would annoy you . It would bother me , so  I guess , me personally,  I would probably avoid her haha. But God Bless your little one .
   

 No mother wants anyone  to point out their baby's faults. How annoying would it be to go  with some one to the store with a newborn and everytime someone said "what a cutie baby!", the other adult would say " yeah she has a huge birthmark on the back of her head" when no one notices or cares!!! they are just admiring the adorable bundel in front of them. I feel for you. Take heart.. God is bigger than your MIL.



The rift is fine, in my opinion ,she'll get the point and change if she wants to be a part of all of your lives.

Offline his.silly.wife

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2007, 05:09:12 PM »
I suspect that she is afraid of the unknown.  SC is right about your MIL being from a generation that is very different in its expectations of developmentally delayed people.   

I only have one bit of advice.  Now that you know she shares information about Chloe, you need to be careful what she knows.  If she is anything like my mom, only half of the information she repeats will be accurate.
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Offline SC

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Re: mother in law telling everyone Chloe has DS
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2007, 01:05:42 AM »
I suspect that she is afraid of the unknown.  SC is right about your MIL being from a generation that is very different in its expectations of developmentally delayed people.   

I only have one bit of advice.  Now that you know she shares information about Chloe, you need to be careful what she knows.  If she is anything like my mom, only half of the information she repeats will be accurate.

HOW LUCKY ARE YOU!? She gets HALF of it RIGHT!  :o :o
That's a great streak of accuracy around my family.  :D :D :D
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